i've been a negligent poster...

so. things are good. boy is good. his anonymous on-line reference name has become arizona, so that's what i'll be referring to him as, most likely. this relationship is hands down, by far the most phenomenal one i have ever been a part of. the level of trust that we have is fantastic and such an enormous change from my last relationship.
not to mention the fact that i've been an emotional mess lately, and he's been pretty good about dealing with me in that state. i've just been feeling like a bit of a failure...the money situation is very, very tight right now, and it kind of makes me feel like i've failed at bit at the grown-up thing. which i know is ridiculous, because i've been taking care of myself for a long time now, and i know i've done a pretty good job. but i guess i felt like approaching twenty five, i'd at least have more than $5 in my savings account. it's not the money itself, per se--i do quite well on a limited income, and that's never bothered me. it's the fact that a) i detest the thought of being financially dependent on other people (the whole "i can take care of myself" thing), and b)i don't feel prepared for the future. i mentioned that things are going smashingly with arizona...so much so that we've discussed (and are pretty much planning on, at this point) me moving out there next summer, when i'm done with grad school. i want to have at least *some* money saved in case i don't find a job before i get there. i don't want to mooch off of arizona. i know he's willing to help me out, and i love him for it and appreciate it, but the bottom line is that i *hate* being in a postion where i need help. hate it. i suppose this is where my "fierce independence", as it's been called, comes in to play. this seems to be a repetitive problem for me. you'd think being independent would be a good thing, and i know that it is, to a degree. but i know, too, that i take it too far sometimes. i'm really just only now beginning to recognize that about myself (did i mention my stint in therapy during the spring...?). another post, i guess. anyway...i know it's something i need to work on, not beating myself so much when i can't do everything 100% alone.
so, uh, yeah...how did that start? oh. right. arizona dealing with me when i'm being a head case. when i get all down on myself and depressed, mostly what i need is someone to tell me the things that my subconscious is only now beginning to realize: it's okay to need help, it's okay to not be able to do everything alone, it doesn't mean you're a failure or that you're inconveniencing people or that people think less of you. because i am an ace at beating the crap out of myself. and M...well, quite frankly, he sucked at comforting me. sucked. couldn't do it worth a damn. not when my grandfather died, not when my cat died, not when i felt low about myself, not when he'd f*cked up...not once. and i really grew to resent that about him. i don't need much, just a hug and an "it's okay." and arizona...he's better. his first approach the other day when i was near tears after receiving another enormous bill that not only can i not pay, but that i shouldn't have to pay alone but probably will end up doing so, was more along the lines of an "it's not so bad, it's only money, i can help you" pep talk, and that helped, it really did. but it only scrapes the surface, because as i said...money isn't *really* the issue. what i really needed was something more along the lines of "i love you, and you're not failing, you're working hard and you're doing a better job than your giving yourself credit for." because my nasty voice does an amazinly efficient job of making me lose sight of that. but he can't know that unless i tell him. it's one of the major weaknesses of our distance--we aren't together often enough to iron out all of each others' quirks. but we're working on it...

he lands here in two days for a six day stay, and i cannot wait. it's been a month and a half since i saw him last, and i feel like this is roughly my limit. longer than this gets a bit unbearable. we're going to go camping and fishing and see a lot of friends...there's so much planned that i know the 6 days are going to fly by, and i hate that feeling, but at least i get to see him for longer than an abbreviated weekend.

alright...bedtime. i'm going to try to be better about this...it's therapeutic...