i am so damned depressed today...i guess it's just a mixture of being completely sick of grad school and feeling like i'm wasting my time, and missing the boy, and being lonely. whenever i think about school, i feel like a lead weight drops into my stomach. i feel like i can't get my head above water, can't keep up, can't make anyone happy. i just want to be done. i can't quit (well, in theory, yes i could...but in practice, i just can't), and the next year + is looming ahead of me like a huge dark cloud. it makes me feel so overwhelmed and helpless and sad. i want to pack up a bag and run away...

i had a minor freak-out yesterday. i mentioned to my "lady doctor" that my last period was fairly light, and she suggested doing a urine pregnancy test, "just in case." it's a quick test--they just put some of your urine on a dipstick and there's an almost instant reaction on the paper stick that tells you if you're pregnant or not. but because they were so busy yesterday, they couldn't get to it right away, and said they'd run it asap and call me.

apparently about 5 minutes after i left the office, they closed for lunch. for AN HOUR. fine, lunch hour, whatever. but you can't tell someone they might be pregnant and you'll get right back to them, and then shut off your phone for an hour. gah. i called boy and let him know; he was freaked out as well but very collected and good about it. it ended up being negative, and he told me afterward that he wanted to make sure that i knew that if it had come back positive, that it wouldn't necessarily have been a bad thing and we would have figured it out...it's nice to know that he wouldn't have flipped out and not wanted it. at any rate...in the hour that i spent driving around aimlessly waiting to hear if i was with child or not, my brain went to a lot of different places. if you'd asked me last week what i would do if i found out i was pregnant all of a sudden, i would have told you with about 99.99% certainty that i would have no intention of keeping it. children are not in my immediate plan. i am unstable and unready and don't even particularly *like* children. but yesterday...i kept coming back to "what if i am?", and part of my brain kept saying that i know boy is The One, and that i Someday want to have kids with him...and i'm so miserable with school...and maybe finding out that i was pregnant would make me feel validated in making some changes. thinking that maybe i would keep it, and do a plan b (non-thesis) graduate degree and just get the hell out of there and start my life already. do i really think that that's a good fit for my life right now? no, no i don't. but i was thinking like a crazy person yesterday, i guess...