it is the most bizarre feeling to have something that you both want sitting right in front of you, just within reach, but you can't touch it. because really, neither one of you wants to.

i don't expect that to make sense to anyone but me and him. not at all.

i don't know how to love someone this much, while loving someone else at the same time. it doesn't make sense. but it's there, all the same. and we've discussed it--all of the things that i've wanted to say, i got a chance to say. and he said things that i wasn't expecting. he loves me. i love him. we don't want to ever *not* be a part of each others' lives. but we don't want to change things, either...at least, not enough. we don't necessarily regret where things are; we're not unhappy. quite to the contrary, in fact. but underneath it all, we will have always loved each other first. we will always wonder, "what if?". we will always know, though neither one of us wants to say the words out loud, that "God forbid" something should happen to change the way that things are right now, we will always have each other. so there's that. confusing as it is, it's there, out in the open, and more mutual than i ever could have imagined. it's good and bad to know, i suppose.