dear boy:
i'm really feeling like i'm flying under your radar lately. we don't see each other (for obvious reasons), we rarely talk...i just feel like i'm not a priority in your life. you make time to do all of the other things that you need/want to do every day, so while i understand that you fall asleep very early, i don't feel like that's an explanation for why you don't call me in the evenings when you say you're going to. and yes, i know it's march madness, and you're obsessed, but you know what? i don't care. it's just not a good enough reason. here's how it generally goes: we speak for maybe three minutes at some point during the day (sometimes...lately, not even that). you tell me you'll call me back when you get out of work. you don't call. and i don't even think you've noticed that i've stopped calling you almost altogether. i know we don't always have a lot to say to each other...the day-to-day stuff can be pretty monotonous. but lately i feel like i'm your girlfriend in a parallel universe somewhere, someone you refer to but don't really think about all that often. i feel taken for granted. and you have no idea...to you, phone calls are for when you have something in particular to say, and otherwise you have no use for them. but phone calls are all we have, and lately it's not uncommon at all for us to go a whole day without speaking once. just because we can't see each other doesn't mean our relationship shouldn't be a priority, especially when i'm moving out there soon. which, by the way...can we jump on the finding-somewhere-to-live wagon please? SOON?

i left him a voicemail earlier asking him to please call me back because i need to talk to him. it's looking like i'm not going to hear from him tonight, though. which sucks, because then it has to wait until tomorrow night, and i have plans tomorrow night. ugh. long distance sucks. and this isn't going to be a fun conversation.

yowza. it's been three months since i last posted here. i've been so busy with my thesis that it just kind of fell by the wayside. and though i have a lot i could write about, the real reason i'm even posting now is that i just looked at my counter stats and saw that some people have been kind enough to keep checking in on me (some almost every day!) and have apparently not given up hope that i might someday actually post again. so here i am.

i have a guilt complex about my thesis: specifically, that every time i do anything other than work on my thesis, i feel like a procrastinating lazy bum. like right now, for example. it's kind of consumed my life. in fact, i was looking over my last post with my goals for the new year, and i have been sadly remiss with nearly all of them. i do think i've been a bit better about communicating with some people at least. and i've been pretty good about not missing meals and getting in breakfast every morning. the be a better student one is hard for me to judge due to the aforementioned guilt complex; probably, i'm a better student than i think of myself as. not so good about the gym thing, though. it keeps boiling down to "if i have an hour to go to the gym, then couldn't i better spend that hour working on my thesis?". damn you, guilt complex. damn you straight to hell.

the other major thing in my life right now is my impending cross-country move. it gets scarier the closer it gets. i'm excited, i really am. but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little worried, too. i know that AZ's excited for me to move out there, but i feel a bit like he's sort of expecting, or at least *hoping*, that i'll be able to just tuck myself neatly into his current life as-is. that i'll be able to move into the house that he's currently in (which in theory sounds fine, except he has a HORRID landlord and, uh, ROOM MATES), or that if we have to live somewhere else, that it will be in the same neighborhood that he's in now. again, in theory, fine. except that i'm a water resources specialist moving to an extremely arid climate, and i need to be pretty flexible in terms of locations of employment. he just wants things to change as little as possible, and the reality is that things are going to change quite a lot, and the less prepared he is for that reality, the messier the transition is going to be. *sigh*.

i could keep going with this, but i really shouldn't right now. you know, the guilt complex and all...