we don't fight well.

well, actually, i guess that's not entirely accurate. i think that when we're both aware of what we're fighting about, we do alright. but there is a recurring theme going on where he thinks i've said something to him in a snotty tone, and flips out on me. gets very mean, very cold, and very dick-like. and i'm not really okay with that.

it's one thing if i'm annoyed, or if i'm nagging him even if i don't think that i am. but here are some examples of what has gone down in the past:

situation one: we are talking to another couple in a restaurant in flagstaff about going to see the grand canyon the next day. he mentions to them that he's thinking about us doing one of those little plane rides over the canyon. i am scared to death of little planes (close family friends died in a crash), and feel badly b/c he's clearly excited about this idea and thought i would be excited, and now i have to burst his bubble. i reach across the table and put a hand on his arm, and say "um, i don't know about the little plane idea. i'm really scared of little planes. maybe a helicopter instead would still be fun?". he takes this as me being mad (?), but instead of saying anything, stops talking to me. when i ask him what's wrong, he accuses me of 'biting his head off.'

situation two: we are driving down the highway in my jeep with the top down. if you've ever driven in a jeep on the highway with the top down, you know that it's loud. i'm used to this, so when he asks me to speak up b/c he can't hear what i'm saying, i comply. he still can't hear me, so i cup my hands around my mouth (he was driving, obviously ;) ) to direct the sound better. he takes this as me being snotty (?) and gets mad at me, pulls over and tells me to drive. he "mimics" me talking to him with my hands cupped around my mouth in the snottiest voice he can muster.

situation three: a friend of his asks me about how weird it is to be in 80 degree weather in the fall when i'm used to northeast weather. i say that it's very different. az says "it gets cold in arizona too, you know," and i say that i know it does, but it's still different than what i'm used to. he says to his friend, "she thinks it doesn't get cold here," and i say "i know it gets cold, but i'm used to wearing sweaters in the autumn. are we wearing sweaters right now? no. so it's different. that's all i'm saying." he abruptly tells his friend "we'll see you later" and turns to leave, muttering to me, "thanks a lot, baby." he tells me after we're gone that he hates when i 'make him look stupid in front of his friends.' he also reprises his little "mimic" act, where he repeats what i said in the snottiest voice he can. when i look him and say, "okay, really. i did not say it like that," he insists that i did. whoa there, cowboy. disagreeing with you is not the same as making you look stupid. and if to you it is the same thing, you're an ass who is barking up the wrong tree.

he's very, very defensive, and quick to switch into jerk-mode any time he feels like i'm 'correcting him' or making him 'look stupid.' so i feel like i can't disagree with him ever, or else we'll wind up fighting. i hate feeling this way. after that last situation above, we had a very long conversation about how each of us perceived the situation, which was a good thing, though he still maintained that i had had 'a tone' in my voice. this was right before i left there last week (literally; this happened at the airport). apparently when i left, he went back to ask his buddy what he thought (i should probably elaborate...az's company is doing work at the airport, and he had been showing me around a job site when the whole weather conversation took place). buddy says that he didn't think i was being snotty at all, and that az was being "a pu$$y". hah.

now, to az's credit, upon hearing this, he apparently did a bit of self-analysis. he called me shortly after my plane landed, and told me that he was sorry and that he'd overreacted, and that he knew that he had a tendency to be overly defensive. he talked to me about why he thought that was, and said that it's not something he likes about himself. i think that that's a very hard thing to do; not only apologize, but also to talk that openly about something that you consider to be a fault. i'm hoping that this means that the next time a situation like one of the aforementioned arises, he'll take a moment before turning on The Jerk full force. because if he can't...then we have an issue. i am crazy crazy crazy about him, and i want us to work. but i can't feel good about being with someone who makes me feel like i have to watch every word i say around him. our relationship is wonderful in all other aspects, but that's a big thing to overlook. it hurts me that when he gets like that, i know that he's making me feel bad on purpose. that's just mean. i don't want a mean boyfriend.

*sigh*. i feel like if we saw each other more often, we would have this worked out better by now. but everything happens on such a drawn-out time scale that nearly a year in, we're dealing with a lot of 'early relationship' sort of things still. i know this post makes it sound like i'm unhappy and doubting our relationhip, but that's not really true. i am worried about our future if this aspect of our relationhip doesn't improve, but i'm hopeful that it will. and he still makes me happy in a thousand other ways. it's just never easy...