oh goody. some frickin' spambot has found my blog and is posting comments with links for random websites. splendid. i got 6 comments in less than 5 minutes time.

i changed the setting for now so that only registered users can comment...hope that helps...

edited to add that it didn't help---i got 4 more comments, this time just with names instead of 'anonymous'. has anyone else been having this problem?

an open letter

dear pretty much everyone in my life:

i am aware that i got engaged at a very young age, and called off the wedding mere months before it was supposed to happen. i am also aware that not too terribly long after that, i got involved with someone who i moved in with fairly quickly, and stayed with for quite a few years, which led you all to the (not irrational) conclusion that that would, in fact, be the man that i would marry. and i am aware, thricely (and i don't care if that's not a word), that i am currently in a relationship with a man who i have every intention of marrying. so, you see, i can understand to a degree why some of you might be rolling your eyes and saying "sure she's going to marry this one. she always says that." to a degree.

here's why i don't understand: i am a grown woman. i have put myself through college, supported myself since the age of 18, and altogether made, i think (and many of you have told me), very good decisions for myself. yes, i got engaged very young; but i made the decision not to get married because i realized that i was too young. yes, i was with who we will call OtherGuy for anonymities sake for nearly four years and that you all thought that we were going to get married. but we were never engaged, people. i know you all treated us like we were, but we weren't. so please stop acting like i'm the runaway bride. why is it that, despite the fact that i have made responsible decisions for myself, you still insist on questioning me?

i'm not talking about the few people who early on expressed their concern on the issue, but have trusted me and believed in and supported my decisions regardless. i'm talking about the eyerollers among you, the ones who rudely ask "and how do you know this time? you know, because you thought you knew before." guess what? if you're in my immediate family, you're allowed to ask me that. once. if you're a very close friend, you're allowed to ask me that. once. everyone else, and beyond that, please knock. it. off.

i'm perplexed by all of this, really. as an 'adult' (i.e., since the age of 18), i have been in three long term relationships (including the present). i have 'seen people' in between. i have a very good idea at this point in my life of what works for me and what does not in a relationship. i know what i want out of life, and i know the qualities that are important to me in a significant other. would you perhaps trust this more if i had spent the past seven years flitting around in casual relationships? or maybe if i had instead, perhaps, had only one relationship in my entire adult life to base my opinions off of? are either of those situations "better" than my own? i do not for a moment believe that they are "worse"--i know plenty of people who have been in both and i have no doubt that any of them are capable of deciphering their feelings for someone. but are they better? would you trust my decision more if i had taked a different route?

i'm not looking for answers here...clearly, very few people from my "real life" even know this blog exists. i'm just venting my frustrations a bit. i'm in love with arizona. i want to be his wife, have his babies, grow old with him. and regardless of what relationships i've been in in the past, i've never been able to say that about anyone without huge, scary, looming doubts. i know. i feel it in my bones. why can't that be enough for everyone else?