I’m afraid I may have forgotten how to write completely. Somehow over the years, the desire to put words to my thoughts, to flesh them out and give them some kind of tangible life, has morphed into the slightly (?) inane act of speaking to myself out loud. I wonder if that’s a shared trait—if perhaps the homeless man on the corner of 10th and Jefferson who mutters to himself at the bus stop would, if given a pen and a scrap of paper, prove to be a prolific writer. Maybe he’s just muttering all of his brainstorming, his nonsense drafts, aloud to the wind. Maybe he doesn’t even know.

Historically, I have written to make sense of darkness. When I have been sad, confused, angry, overcome by stress, and even drunk, I have used a pen and paper and the written word to get it all out. To give it order and meaning. I felt that it was my only real option, being unable to vocalize the things that tore at my insides and kept me up at night. Ah, so dramatic. When I’m happy, I don’t write. I have treated writing as a tool. I have taken advantage of it, used it, and given it nothing whole hearted in return. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It’s been years and years since I’ve really written. At least five years; probably more like seven since my last two years in Connecticut were spent blogging (again, half-heartedly) and not truly writing. And the talking out loud, the feeling that I am losing my ability to effectively communicate it written form outside of the realm of memos and work-related reports, the fact that I am having a hard time communicating important feelings to my husband…I feel like I need writing again. And I want to be better to it this time. To take the time and write well, and frequently, about anything and everything—not just my darker moments.

This is my start.

i don't have much time for this blog anymore...it's journal-like nature means that i only write in it when no one is around, and since i live with AZ now, that's a rare occasion. plus my internet connection is wonky at best, but that's a whole 'nother ball of wax...

so. things are good. we had a few big blowouts a few weeks after moving in together, but i was expecting that to happen--he's never lived with a girlfriend before, and i had just moved clear across the country and left everything i knew behind. we had a lot of adjusting to do. but he's sweet and caring and loves to be the man of the house, loves to take care of me. and as much as i typically fight that response in males, i'm really enjoying it. i don't mean financially--we're fairly even on that, though he makes a bit more and so pays a bit more...i mean in smaller everyday ways. he sets an alarm for me, 1/2 hour after my alarm, just in case i fall back asleep. he makes me dinner every night. he brings home small surprises for me (a plant! popsicles!), and waters my flowers in the morning.

and we've gotten better at the fighting. that might sound odd, but living 2600 miles apart meant that we never really had to deal with each other when things got mucky. now, we may still fight at times, but the fights are smaller and less intense. we listen. we change things. we make it better so it doesn't happen again. this is far and away the healthiest--really, quite possibly, the only healthy--relationship i have ever been in. and for the first time in my life, i know what i want for the future. i want to marry him, and the thought doesn't scare me in the slightest. i want to spend the rest of our lives together, have kids, grow old. all things that have truly frightened me in the past to think about. i want to go on adventures, learn new things, overcome old fears.

i guess it's easier for me to write when i'm angsty or depressed or sad, because writing was always my escape for those things. i feel like when i only have good things to say, my writing is trivial and boring. which is something i'd like to work on. so keep an eye out for (slightly, at least) more frequent updates...

Wow. So, my official stance on M's fiancee is: she be crazy.

M (my ex) and K (his finacee, and the girl I'm pretty sure he was already hooked up with before we broke up) showed up at the bar we went to for my friend J's birthday. All well and good, not an issue for me--and I assumed not an issue for them, either, since they knew I was going to be there. So they come in, and J introduces them to L, his girlfriend, and everyone's talking. Clearly, the elephant in the room is that no one wants to be the one to introduce K and I. So, I tapped her on the shoulder, extended my hand, and said "Hi, I'm [me]. Nice to meet you." She shook my hand like it was diseased, and *actually made a face*, but didn't say a word. Even L saw it, and mouthed to me, "Whoa." I didn't say anything about it, and just gave her some space for the rest of the evening. She doesn't have to like me if she doesn't want to.

Well, she spent the rest of the evening giving me withering stares across the bar. And I'm not talking subtle. Not in the least. The girl I was standing next to pointed it out to me, and I said "Apparently, I drowned her kitten." What struck me as particularly crazy was the fact that she'd make a show of dancing around and "look at me I'm having fun," then stop and GLARE at me. Like, Carrie-before-she-kills-everyone-at-the-prom glare. If I happened to look over while she was glaring, she'd then beeline for M and start booty dancing (for lack of a better term) on him. It was ridiculous. At one point, she marched by me and pushed me with her shoulder and said "I'd say it was nice to meet you, but I'd be lying." My eyebrows went up, but I didn't say anything (although, I wish I'd said "So I guess this means I'm not invited to the wedding?";) ). M saw her push by me, knew she was in a huff, and saw my reaction to what she'd said (he didn't hear it--he was too far away) and went after her. They left shortly thereafter. J told me after they'd gone that she'd been complaining to him that I'd introduced myself, and trying to get him to agree that it was bitchy of me to do that. She apparently also told him that she "doesn't usually like any of M's friends who still talk to [me]." Which, unforutunately for her, is pretty much all of them. So I hope she can get over that.



So, yeah. Shooting nasty looks at me when all I did was introduce myself + acting like a ho to, I can only assume, make me 'jealous' + badmouthing me to friends of mine while I'm standing right there = charming *and* mature. Lucky M!

dear boy:
i'm really feeling like i'm flying under your radar lately. we don't see each other (for obvious reasons), we rarely talk...i just feel like i'm not a priority in your life. you make time to do all of the other things that you need/want to do every day, so while i understand that you fall asleep very early, i don't feel like that's an explanation for why you don't call me in the evenings when you say you're going to. and yes, i know it's march madness, and you're obsessed, but you know what? i don't care. it's just not a good enough reason. here's how it generally goes: we speak for maybe three minutes at some point during the day (sometimes...lately, not even that). you tell me you'll call me back when you get out of work. you don't call. and i don't even think you've noticed that i've stopped calling you almost altogether. i know we don't always have a lot to say to each other...the day-to-day stuff can be pretty monotonous. but lately i feel like i'm your girlfriend in a parallel universe somewhere, someone you refer to but don't really think about all that often. i feel taken for granted. and you have no idea...to you, phone calls are for when you have something in particular to say, and otherwise you have no use for them. but phone calls are all we have, and lately it's not uncommon at all for us to go a whole day without speaking once. just because we can't see each other doesn't mean our relationship shouldn't be a priority, especially when i'm moving out there soon. which, by the way...can we jump on the finding-somewhere-to-live wagon please? SOON?

i left him a voicemail earlier asking him to please call me back because i need to talk to him. it's looking like i'm not going to hear from him tonight, though. which sucks, because then it has to wait until tomorrow night, and i have plans tomorrow night. ugh. long distance sucks. and this isn't going to be a fun conversation.

yowza. it's been three months since i last posted here. i've been so busy with my thesis that it just kind of fell by the wayside. and though i have a lot i could write about, the real reason i'm even posting now is that i just looked at my counter stats and saw that some people have been kind enough to keep checking in on me (some almost every day!) and have apparently not given up hope that i might someday actually post again. so here i am.

i have a guilt complex about my thesis: specifically, that every time i do anything other than work on my thesis, i feel like a procrastinating lazy bum. like right now, for example. it's kind of consumed my life. in fact, i was looking over my last post with my goals for the new year, and i have been sadly remiss with nearly all of them. i do think i've been a bit better about communicating with some people at least. and i've been pretty good about not missing meals and getting in breakfast every morning. the be a better student one is hard for me to judge due to the aforementioned guilt complex; probably, i'm a better student than i think of myself as. not so good about the gym thing, though. it keeps boiling down to "if i have an hour to go to the gym, then couldn't i better spend that hour working on my thesis?". damn you, guilt complex. damn you straight to hell.

the other major thing in my life right now is my impending cross-country move. it gets scarier the closer it gets. i'm excited, i really am. but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little worried, too. i know that AZ's excited for me to move out there, but i feel a bit like he's sort of expecting, or at least *hoping*, that i'll be able to just tuck myself neatly into his current life as-is. that i'll be able to move into the house that he's currently in (which in theory sounds fine, except he has a HORRID landlord and, uh, ROOM MATES), or that if we have to live somewhere else, that it will be in the same neighborhood that he's in now. again, in theory, fine. except that i'm a water resources specialist moving to an extremely arid climate, and i need to be pretty flexible in terms of locations of employment. he just wants things to change as little as possible, and the reality is that things are going to change quite a lot, and the less prepared he is for that reality, the messier the transition is going to be. *sigh*.

i could keep going with this, but i really shouldn't right now. you know, the guilt complex and all...

i'm not making resolutions this year. too much pressure, and i always abandon them along the way. for a lot of reasons, i guess...i'm too scatter brained, too stressed, too willpowerless, i like my sleep. but i'm not going to be a total unaccountable lame-o. instead of resolutions, i am making goals. which i know sounds like the same thing, but for some reason, it seems different in my brain. it's not about the new year, it's about positive change and things i need to do and things that i just plain want because i do, so there.

i want to be a better student for my last hurrah of grad school. not put things off, not hem and haw over decisions. there's a lot to do and i can't depend on my adviser to advise me because frankly, he kind of sucks at it.

this is almost embarassing because it's so obvious, but i'm going to be good about going to the gym. i paid them money so that they'd let me work out there. i may as well have flushed it down the toilet for as much as i've been going since thanksgiving. busy shmusy; i can accomplish goal #1 and still have time to go to the gym.

i am going to be healthier all around. this means that i'm not going to forget to eat meals, and i'm going to get more than 4 hours of sleep a night.

i am not going to let fear and self-doubt keep me from getting a good job. i'm smart and i know a lot about what i do; i shouldn't not apply for jobs because i don't think i'm smart enough. i'm smart enough.

i am going to communicate better. with everyone. about everything. it is not currently my strong suit.

*cough*engagement ring*cough*

i want to redesign my web page. there's nothing wrong with it per se, but it's something i've been meaning to do and i keep pushing it to the back burner

i want to learn how to knit well enough that i can actually follow patterns and not end up in a confused pile of tangled yarn.

i could keep going, but i won't bore the few people who read this (and bless you persistent few for putting up with my less-than-frequent updates). really want i want this year is to start really feeling like i'm living my life and not just going through the motions that i've become accustomed to. 8 straight years of college has left me feeling very disconnected from what i want out of life. i feel like it ought to be the opposite, but i've just thought about science and school and work for so long, to the point of not feeling like i'm living a healthy, well-rounded life. that's what i really want to change.

good luck to all of you and your goals...happy new year :)

*pat pat*

poor blog. i will post in you soon, i promise. it's not that i don't have things to say, i just haven't had the time to say them. but that's no excuse. i need to start paying more attention to you and also to my gym membership.

i'll be back soon. i promise.